What do I do now - life after being a stay-at-home parent

For three and a half years, I had the miraculous opportunity to be the full time, stay-at-home dad to my son. He was raised with the principles of Attachment Parenting and at 11 years old, he is a model of stability, maturity, and intelligence. My years at home with him were a time of great joy, total exhaustion, and a shift of everything in my life I thought it was important.

I have helped spacecraft travel to Jupiter, Saturn and the farthest reaches of the Solar System working for NASA and taught thousands of people life-changing skills, yet getting a warmer for the wipes I used when changing Justin's diapers became way more important. When your child's very life is in your hands, the priorities become clear. And nothing is ever the same in your life again.

The very decision to have a parent become a full time stay-at-home parent is fraught with challenges. It is all too easy to drop a child off at daycare these days, but some parents decide that having a parent in their child’s life all the time is the best choice. This can mean significant changes to lifestyle, since it can mean that one income is sacrificed.

Many women - and a few men like me - experience this phenomenon. It represents a shift of not only priorities, but life philosophies as well. Taking on the responsibility for full time caring of a child can change not just your priorities, but your eating habits, the way you spend your free time, and even your politics.

In two or three years or more when your child no longer needs full time stay-at-home care, the time often comes for the stay-at-home parent to find something else to do. In my case, divorce wracked our household. Sadly, this is an all too common occurrence in our world today as the parent who doesn’t stay home continues with their life and career.

The stay-at-home parent will often experience weight gain, separation anxiety, and a host of other often confusing and conflicting feelings. In my case, not only was my son about to enter a preschool environment, but the divorce filing resulted in him being removed from my household half the time and later 80 percent of the time. After having been around him nearly 24 hours a day for 3 years (and 2/3 of that time as the sole caretaker), it was an excruciatingly painful transition.

Restarting a career or finding a job is common among stay-at-home parents whose tenure as their child's full time caretaker is coming to a close. But the parent often finds themselves in a dilemma as their wants, needs, life goals, and many other fundamental beliefs have changed. Restarting a career is difficult (and sometimes impossible) under the best of circumstances, but the parent’s former career may not look so good anymore with all that has changed in their life. Another factor is that the prospect of getting a job may sound depressing and painful. And then there is the simple fact that the parent is missing their child like crazy.

So if you find yourself in this position, what can you do? I have had students come up to me in my classes declaring that they were a stay-at-home parent trying to integrate back into the working world and after hearing my story, wondering if I had any advice.

Here’s some of what I often tell them.

1.       Make a list of your new priorities. Get clear about what is important to you now. Your child and family likely top the list, but explore every dimension you can think of. Ask yourself what you would take a stand for? What do you want to be remembered for?

2.       What are you passionate about now? Through the caretaking of your child, you have probably done lots of creative activities that may have sparked interests you didn’t know you had. Maybe you now have a newfound interest in painting, collage, photography, or dance.  Think about what it might be like if you explored some of these new passions as a business?

3.       What is your current financial situation? Does your family really need a full second income? Lots of folks assume that when the child gets older, both parents should return to full time career work. But is that really necessary? Maybe one parent has a good job that pays the bills and provides benefits. If you look at your complete financial situation and determine what your monthly minimum needs are, you might discover that you only need a part-time job to bring in what is necessary. You could use the rest of the time to continue raising your child or maybe exploring some of those passions you identified.

Maybe your new priorities include wanting to express your new thoughts and perspectives in a blog or even writing articles or a book. Maybe you want to create workshops to share your talents and ideas.

For example, if you determine that your family finances need an additional $24,000 to make ends meet, what if you decided to get work that paid you just that? That means that you only need to find work that pays you between $11 and $12 an hour. Even if you made three times that in your previous career, you could make a choice to find a simple, fun job that pays you just enough. While your previous career likely took up all your mental and physical energy, getting a “just what you need” job could leave you with the time and mental energy to work on your new passions when you get home.

4.       How do you want to spend your time?  At this point in your life with your changed priorities, you might be thinking about how to make time for these new passions if you return to work or back to your previous career. Too many folks have their identities wrapped up in their careers and jobs, but to a parent who stayed at home for years to care for their child, they understand that priorities can shift.

5.       Should you return to school? Some parents preparing to return to the workforce whose priorities and interests have changed think about returning to school to get another degree. While this may seem like an obvious choice, it may not be necessary.  These days, schools are quick to promise new careers to get more students/customers, but those promises have proven to be empty. There is no guarantee that any new skills you acquire will result in a job. And returning to school places huge stressors on the family financially and balancing time as now homework and attending classes has to be fit into an already tight schedule. If there are specific skills you feel you need to pursue your new career option, then take the training you need. But be open to the idea that you may already have what you need and with the help of the Internet and the library, you can acquire new learning on your own.

This kind of creative thinking could help you create a life structure where your new priorities and passions could have a safe home. This would be preferable to leaving them inside where they could turn into frustrations and regret.

Being a stay-at-home parent can be the most rewarding experience of your life. Thinking ahead to when that time will end can help lessen the challenges of that transition and how traumatic it can feel to realize that your priorities will likely shift and change. With a little forethought and ongoing awareness, the stay-at-home parent experience can be a wonderful, transformative journey.